Apologies

At the root of it, everyone is five years old.

They have enough resources to stay focused, express what they want, and generally tend to their own bathroom needs, all while seeing the world, and expressing that view, in an honest way.  It’s tough to walk away from a conversation with a five-year-old and feel like you’ve either been rooked, or pulled a fast one over on them.  In general, honesty prevails.

With one remarkable exception.  Ask a five-year-old to apologize for something they’ve done, and it just won’t happen.   At first, the request will meet silence, and some significant shoe-watching.  With coaxing, they’ll lift their gaze to meet yours, their eyes doing all kinds of things to avoid yours.  Finally, with great sighing, and heaving of shoulders, they will draw one huge breath, and divide the word into two entities, with the second syllabus uttered so low, it is only perceivable by humpback whales in certain parts of the North Atlantic. “Sor…ry.”

At this point, you are so grateful for any response whatsoever, you release the child from their inner sanctum of self-reflection, opting not to inflict any more pain.

In reality, you should persist.  Everything the child has done up until this point has been done for your sake, when some of the real goal of apologizing is for them to forgive themselves.  There’s nothing so far to suggest they even know what they’ve done that needs to be avoided, let alone an awareness that doing it again is a bad idea.  You get one word, and they get out of conscience jail free, not knowing or really caring if they’re coming back any time soon.

Why is this important?  Like driving on the wrong side of the road, children who don’t really understand the need and nature of an apology are on the road to ruin as adults.  The politician who broke a key promise says “I’m sorry, but…” and assigns the cause of their behavior elsewhere.  The superstar caught in a bad video counts on their fame and good looks to hope “I’m sorry, but it’s not what it seems” rules the day.  The guy in the office who’s finally found out stealing your lunch starts with the words “I’m sorry”, and then offers a reason for why they did what they did.  That’s not an apology.  That’s a loophole for doing it again.

I honestly believe the key to our next major advancement as a society lies in making a good apology when we do wrong and face its consequences.  “I can see what I’ve said has hurt you deeply, and I am sorry about that.”  Not “…and I’m sorry about that, but I was tired.”  Not “…but we both know it’s the truth.” Not anything else.  I did wrong, I regret it, and I hope you will forgive me.

Of course, the next key to societal advancement is accepting the apology without rebuttal.  “I forgive you, but…” is just as bad as “I’m sorry, but…” Accepting an apology isn’t lining you up for more abuse, or saying your relationship is going to stay the same.  It’s deciding you’re ready to stop rehearsing a wrong that’s been done to you in a way that makes the rehearsal of it hurt you as much as, if not more than, the original offense.  You’re happy to let the whole thing die, and build a future built on what’s best for you, with or without this relationship in tow.

So ‘fess up when needed, and learn to forgive and forget.  It’s all part of a better heart.

Lullaby

The might of the angels’ arms
Is not their sinew
But their love.
We lose our way
When that causes confusion
The idea of love being strong.
Why do good cops hold you back
From entering burning buildings?
Why did Mom say no
To a midnight movie date
At thirteen?
Why did God seem
Not to give you that sure thing job
That would have found you unemployed
And thousands of miles from home
In three months’ time?
It wasn’t about love saying no
But only about love
Being nothing more or less
Than love.

Give in to what feels like muscle
But instead is the soothing calculus
Of a tale that’s always nurtured you
Without beginning or end
And watch how much more you see
When your eyes
Testify
To that truth.

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