Parenting

Crawling children are like hippos.  Standing still, they appear to offer few threats. Legs that stumpy surely couldn’t lead to any kind of formidable issues.

Then motion commences, and you fear for your life, their life, and society in general.   As your suddenly engaged mind sorts through what to do to restore stability, you recall that look in their eyes just before they launched into their mischief.  A friend used to call this the beagle look—appearing docile while calculating all along, and then the nipping begins.

That was what came to mind when the crawler on the lunch table began zooming around with impressive haste at the faculty Christmas party.  Since both sides were densely lined with educators, there was little chance any harm could come from this sojourn, but once you know monkeys can eventually get around to writing Shakespeare on a typewriter, it’s hard to not see anything as not possible.

That’s when the child’s father spoke up.

“When she was first born, I really was an absolute wreck.  What do I do?  How do I talk to her?  What does she need to know?  Then it came to me.  She’s already a person.  Treat her like one.”

More than a few of you are now shrieking, shifting in your seat, or looking for something to drink.  It’s extremely likely you’re doing at least two of those things if you ever took a course in developmental psychology.

The problem of course, is the dad was right.  When we meet adults, our relationships with them are based on two things—who we are, and who they are.  Once we understand both sides of that context, the real interactions can begin.  You like sushi, and don’t think much of football.  They think steakhouses are an abomination to civilization, and think Dvorak was a genius.  So a good time together would be dinner at a fondue place before going to hear the New World Symphony.  Perfect.

Why is that different with children?  Can you seriously not understand them just because they can’t speak?  They’re hungry, you know.  They’re uncomfortable and they know why, you know, or will know quite soon.  They’re happy, you really know—sometimes even more than with an adult who may have had such a harsh life, they feel compelled to bury their feelings.

Great educators— the only ones who belong in the classroom— understand this.  They get that developmental psychology is, at best, a generalization of some of the traits some children exhibit and may feel at certain times in life, in random order.  Other educators—the ones who may mean well, but really should be working at a UPS store—see developmental psychology as the way all children are Supposed To Act All The Time.  How do you know the difference?  Ask an educator the best way to get five-year-olds ready to read. If their answer doesn’t start with “It depends”, keep on looking for a good teacher.  If it does, buy them dinner.

I once was a research assistant for a study on language acquisition in young children.  The findings suggested children learned the rules and words of language more quickly if they were exposed to lots and lots of adults.  Translation?  Show a baby it’s a big, wonderful world out there, and they’ll drink it all in with greater ease and delight.

So no, you can’t expect a toddler to drive.  Then again, I don’t expect all 25-year-olds to drive.  I get to know both first, and shape my relationships with them based on their personhood.

No kidding.

Beach Day

You wouldn’t think wingtips
Went with beach balls
Over the calf black socks
With sandcastles.
Yet there they were near the waves
The men who ate Spam
While answering duty’s call
And brought it to the dinner table monthly
Along with breakfast ketchup on eggs.
If this is their version
Of seaside postwar apparel
Who are we?
Carry on.

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