Listening

With two parents from Irish backgrounds, and being the youngest of three, life has engulfed me with people who do a lot—and I mean, a lot—of talking. 

It turns out there are all kinds of reasons people talk, and a lot of them have nothing to do with other people listening to them.   I come from a long line of TV Talkers, family members who talk back to whoever is on the television. There’s Newspaper Talking, which works identically to TV talking, but somehow seems a little more odd.  Most of the neighborhoods where I grew up had Bar Talking, where pub participants vented their spleen about anything and everything, despite an accompanying din guaranteeing no one could hear them.  Social Media Talking has largely replaced Bar Talking.  Most social media mavens would disdain this, thinking they are far more erudite and attentive than someone on their third beer after working the swing shift.  OK then.

So why are they talking, even though they know deep down no one is listening?  They want to be understood—if only by themselves—and they think this might help.

That said, there are times when someone listening really does matter, and, thanks to all the times listening doesn’t really matter, most people are rather bad at the real thing.  As one who spent a career listening, here’s how to be the best friend or understanding sage you really want to be, and hope others are when you really have something to say.

You aren’t waiting to talk Composer Paul Williams (if you like Carpenters’ version of We’ve Only Just Begun, try this) once said “There are those who listen, and those who wait to talk.”  If all the time you aren’t speaking is spent mentally rehearsing your rejoinder, you are wasting your time and theirs.  Tell your brain to shut up, look at the speaker with your eyes, ears, and soul, and drink in their story.

Yes, it’s a story  The plus side of Irish heritage is the realization that when people speak, they are offering a narrative, a viewpoint, a snippet of the grosgrain ribbon that is their life.  They’re honoring you with this gift, and everything about it—their tone, the words they use, their gestures and expressions—is part of the package.  Breathe it all in—if they’re really speaking, they’re giving you something precious.

It’s about them Listening is the opportunity to venture into someone else’s personal nation, and just like any other nation, they likely do things differently than other nations.  Explore and honor those customs and differences by truly being their guest–let them give you a guided tour through their world.

No “mmm-hmming” or arbitrary nodding  These take the focus away from the speaker and put it back on you—and it’s not about you.  If they need a moment to gather their thoughts, listen to the hum of the air conditioner, or admire how earnest they are in wanting to get their words right.  This extends the notion that listening is encouragement—and it is. Revel in the waiting.

“Stop me if I’ve told you this one.” The ultimate Irish justification for repeating a story again and again, the speaker is trying to be polite, but they really don’t want to stop.  Look for something new in the story you already know—like, why they feel compelled to tell it again just now.

Listening is learning about someone, and if you do it well, friends will be closer, and dissenters will show more respect.  What could be better?

For Lily, Under a Blanket

It may look like I’m toasty
But there’s always room
For the extra glow
Of a hug that reaches my heart.

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